If you’re anything like me, you’re tired of having buckets of blood thrown on you when you go to buy a Christmas tree. Environmentalists, right? They sure do get worked up.
Anyway, I was out shopping for a tree, wiping blood off my face when I considered – what if the crazy environmentalists have a point? What if there is a better way? It’s pretty obvious that Mother Earth is in rough shape. She’s an old lump of coal and the desiccated broad needs all the help she can get. So why not? Why not try to have all the fun and splendor of a Christmas tree, but do it in such a way that it leaves no environmental footprint?
I did some research and I totally figured out a way.
Step 1: Deciding to buy a real or fake tree
In creating an environmentally conscious Christmas, you need to first decide if you’re going to go real or fake. Real trees smell nice and bring that authentic holiday spirit into the home, but they’re flammable death traps that explode into 30 trillion pine needles the second Christmas is over. Fake trees have the advantage of being practical and easy. Having said that, obviously real trees are going to be better for the environment and … oh, they’re not? The damage is basically the same for either?
So step 1 of having an environmentally friendly Christmas tree is to not buy one?
Shit. Almost 100% of this article hinged on actually being able to purchase a tree. Well fine. I can regroup.
Step 1 (again): Don’t buy a tree at all, of any kind.
Step 2: Build a Christmas tree out of old garbage you find in your house.
How’s that for environmentally conscious? Everyone who is anyone is now making their own tree entirely out of trash. You can use anything. Old Kleenex boxes, a discarded bedframe, the failed school assignments of your loser kids – whatever makes sense for you. You just sweep that pile of trash up into a corner and call it day. Boom. And everyone wins.
This is Christmas now, everyone. Get used to it, because we’re not going back. We’ve evolved past the old days of tree and environmental destruction and whatnot.
Step 3: Paint your pile of garbage green.
They key to making a pile of discarded trash look like a tree is to paint it green.
Okay, I’ve just learned that paint is also pretty bad for the environment and goddammit, they are not making this easy for me. Fine. Instead of paint, cover your tree-garbage pile with a green blanket, or if you don’t have that, anything in your house that is green. Grass, wallpaper, bed sheets, whatever. It honestly doesn’t matter at this point. It’s a pile of trash in the corner. Just throw some air fresheners on it and let’s get going. This whole thing is turning into a bit of a bust.
Step 4: Get drunk.
By this point you’re probably as frustrated with environmental consciousness as I am. I bet you could use a drink. I’ve got you covered, you just treat yourself to a nice craft beer and aaahh fuck.
62% of the environmental impact of drinking comes from beer? Alright, just chug vodka straight from the bottle then, or pick up a discarded needle you find on the street and inject yourself. I honestly don’t care at this point.
Again, I need to pivot here because originally I had bit about theme-based decoration, but fine.
Give me a minute.
Wait, do you have any old coasters? Or how about Royal Dalton figurines, you know those ugly things that sit on your corner tables? Or some old books, that works too. Books are great, especially Christmas books. Place them strategically over top your garbage pile, making sure to orient the covers facing outwards.
There, that looks real nice.
Step 6: Adding lights.
So okay where are we with this thing? We have a pile of trash in the corner, covered in old blankets, air fresheners and assorted coasters and books. We are drunk out of our minds on cheap, hospital-grade vodka. So far, this is turning out to be the best Christmas tree decorating ever. I’m ready for the penultimate step – lighting.
Ha! Joking. Christmas lights are an ecological disaster on par with seal clubbing. There is literally no difference. If you have ever turned on a light, you’ve essentially murdered Bambi. I hope you like hell, because that’s where you’re going. But don’t worry, I’ve totally got you covered.
By now you should have a pretty sweet pile of garbage, upon which you’ve piled different garbage. Since we can’t use actual lights, I think your best bet is to sprinkle a box of wooden matches all over everything. Just get those wooden matches right in there, all over the tree.
Now you can only light the tree once, and when you do, you’ll probably burn the house down, so maybe don’t light the tree.
Step 7: The Star.
I didn’t even bother to do research, I just assumed the star on top of the tree is an ecological disaster, so instead I just stuck a box of cereal on top. Done.
So there you have it. Seven easy steps to an ecologically friendly Christmas that will have the whole neighborhood talking about what a swell person you are.