Anyone who knows me, knows I’m an Olympic fanatic, in the sense that I’m sort of aware what the Olympics are and get the general gist (it’s like Summer Olympics but you run with knives on your feet?)
To celebrate this years Olympics, I thought it would be interesting to go back and relieve the top five craziest Winter Olympic events in history. It hasn’t always been the smooth and polished ride you’re used to today!
1. This weird, human like snowman was the mascot for 80 years
This was the official Winter Games mascot from 1924 – 1986. His name is Fine Charles and the only language he speaks is sadness. The buttons on his chest are made from burnt dinner rolls that are consumed every night by small children that the Winter Olympics has stolen.
Oh, the Winter Olympics is a massive child-kidnapping ring, but I didn’t make that a separate item on this list because everyone knows that, right?
Anyhow, at the start of every Olympics, Fine Charles will attempt to extinguish the Olympic torch because he is afraid of fire. If he succeeds, there will be no Winter Olympics, which is why it’s not an annual event. He wins like 75% of the time.
When he’s not at the Olympics, Fine Charles travels the world looking for math teachers in turtlenecks to make fun of and laugh at.
Fine Charles is a real dick.
What surprised me the most about this entry was how terrifyingly unstoppable Fine Charles actually is. He is behind me right now.
2. Human Centipede Skating
I don’t know what surprised me the most about this one:
a. The fact that the movie “Human Centipede” formed it’s own country and entered the 2010 Winter Olympics or
b. They were a competitive dynamo in the speed skating event.
I’m lying though. Obviously, I was more surprised that a movie was able to enter the Olympics. Of course they were going to dominate the speed skating event.
It’s simple math. You sew a couple people together, mouth to asshole, and they’re going to go faster than a non-sewed person. That’s physics 101 staring you in the face and it came as no shock to anyone when they were borderline unstoppable, winning every skating event they entered (except figure skating).
It’s why they have since changed the Olympic rulebook for skating, stating that “no individual may compete where they are sewn together with another individual, unless that other individual is competing in a non-skating event” (citation missing)
3. The Tragically Hip predicts the 2072 Olympics
The Tragically Hip (a loose conglomerate of Lower-house politicians from Canada) is one of Canada’s most beloved rock groups, next to Martin Short and Bjork.
However, there’s one song that people have been arguing about for decades, and that song is “Fireworks”
If you haven’t heard it, here are the lyrics:
If there’s a goal that everyone remembers, it was back in old ’72
We all squeezed the stick and we all pulled the trigger
And all I remember is sitting beside you
Most people think the opening of the song refers to the game-winning goal by the US against Russia for the gold medal. But consider this:
1. There were no Olympics in 1972, so not sure what “72” he’s referring to. The United States didn’t even compete in the Olympics until 1997.
2. Hockey doesn’t have “goals”, it has “fuckle-scrods” – that’s what they’re called in Canada. Also, they refer to hockey sticks as (confusingly ) “fuckle-scrods” as well. So the lyric, had it been referring to hockey, would have been “If there’s a fuckle-scrod that everyone remembers, it’s was back in old ’72. We all squeezed the fuckle-scrod and we all pulled the trigger.”
3. No one has ever remembered sitting beside each other.
I’ve studied this for awhile, and most people think they are referring to the future 2072 Olympics, where at some point someone will get a “goal” (whatever that is) and some dude in Canada will be sitting beside his girlfriend on the couch.
Aside – you know how Canada has, like, 1,200 words for snow? Well, they blew all their creativity on that, and now about a thousand things are called “fuckle-scrods”. It’s seriously a super confusing place to live, filled with words like “fuckle scrod” and “Kouchibouguac” and “Double double” and “whale oil beef hucked” (say that out loud to sound like Newfoundland)
4. The Winter Olympics has handed out 2,865 medals since 1924
And Norway has won the most, with 329.
5. Hulk goes on a rampage; destroys the 1956 Olympics in Cortina d’Ampezzo
Let’s all just finally admit that letting the Hulk compete on the national stage was a bad idea. I don’t know what the US was thinking, allowing him to compete in the figure skating event. At least put him in the biathlon or something, any place his dominant leg strength could be put to good use.
But no, he competed in men’s singles figure skating, got an abysmal 3.0 from the judges (the lone dissenter being Lithuania with a 5.2 for technical complexity), and the score sent him into a volatile rage.
He destroyed the entire country, and Italy has struggled to recover ever since.
There you go. The top craziest events in Olympic history. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sit down and watch some curling.
Ha ha ha, just kidding, I’m going to stuff leaves down my pants while I listen to spoken-word William Shatner records, which sounds about ten times more interesting.