Jesus does his annual performance review with Saint Polycarp, Patron Saint of Earaches
(Jesus is doing paperwork. Knock on the door)
Polycarp: Jesus, hi. I’m a couple minutes early, are we still-
Jesus: Polycarp, how you doing? Come on in. Just catching up with some reports (makes “crazy day” gesture). Don’t even worry about it. Have a seat.
Polycarp: Good, great (sits down)
Jesus: So it’s been a year Polycarp, how have you been doing?
Polycarp: It’s been okay I guess. Not bad.
Jesus: Yeah not bad. Kids okay?
Polycarp: Oh, my 259th generational descendants? I don’t really keep in touch with them too much anymore (shrugs). Their ears have been pretty good.
Jesus: Nice nice. Well let’s get right down to it. I’ve been going over your performance results (shuffles through paper). Truthfully, they’re a little lean. You’re not bringing a whole ton of people to the flock and you’re not getting a whole lot of new business in the pipeline.
Polycarp: Okay, but wait a second, hold on. I’m the Patron Saint of Earaches. There’s not a huge market there.
Jesus: I hear what you’re saying, but now that doctors don’t really prescribe antibiotics for infant ear infections anymore, I was hoping you could move into that market..
Polycarp: Yeah, but now they just put tubes in. They circumvent the entire thing. Medicine, you know? (weak laugh). It’s… not a friend of religion.
Jesus: Well either way, your rating for the year is “Does not meet expectations”. Now I appreciate this is hard to hear as it will impact your bonus, but I’d like to discuss strategies –
Polycarp: Woah woah woah, “Does not meet”? That’s bullshit. That’s bullshit.
Jesus: Alright settle down there my son. We can work through-
Polycarp: No, screw this. That’s bullshit. Do you want me to bend over? Because you’re fucking me. Should I bend over? You and the rest of them, you’re fucking me..
Jesus: Let’s tone down the language.
Polycarp: This is bullshit. I’m the saint of Earaches. What do you expect? Do you know how fucking bad an earache has to be before you start praying about it? Even the fucking hardcores don’t bother turning to me and they pray for everything. To say nothing of the fact that 90% of the time when they do pray they’re going right over my head either to you or the big guy.
Jesus: Yes, and you get the appropriate referral bonus in those circumstances.
Polycarp: Listen, get me out of this. Get me into a territory with teeth and let me show you what I can do. Make me the Patron Saint of Thieves and Liars. I could rock that. Look, I already have some great ideas for how to use “Sex and the City” as a launch point.
Jesus: Not going to happen.
Polycarp: If I could just show you my sketches of Sarah Jessica Parker as a pig / horse –
Jesus: Polycarp. Stop. It’s not going to happen. You’re the earache guy. My go to guy for earaches. Come up, lighten up. It was just an off year right? You’ll recover.
Polycarp: (sullen) Yeah. Maybe.
Jesus: What about swimming season? You started to have some positive numbers there, what happened?
Polycarp: Ah, fucking educational programs. They ruin everything. People wear earplugs. You know.
Jesus: Hey big guy – right there. You just said it.
Polycarp: What? What did I say?
Jesus: Earplugs. Ear phones. iPod earphones. Buddy, I’m doing your job for you, I can’t believe I’m throwing you this solid.
Polycarp: I’m.. not following you Jesus.
Jesus: Those brutal “bud” earphones. Have you ever used those for any length of time? They’re like knives, your ears go numb after awhile. You tell me you can’t move that into some business. You look me in the face and tell me you can’t set up a meeting with Tim Cook and fast track this. Come on. You rock this ear shit.
Polycarp: Yeah. Yeah. You know what? If I can get a few key players into the room, and I think I can swing this. Those things are like little daggers in your ear. I put a couple quick spots up on the 700 club and do come kind of “Longview / Lifehouse” tie in and the next thing you know the Jesus Rockers are hailing me as their new God.
Jesus: (laughing) Woah. Slow down there cowboy. Thou shalt have no other God before me, you know? But I like where your head is. You’re a thought leader. This was just a bump in the road. Get outta here you crazy bastard. Make me proud!
Polycarp: You just watch Jesus. I’ll have the kids praying to me while their ears bleed!! (runs out)
Jesus: (under breath) Dipshit.