I’m tired of the endless debate that goes on over corn. I don’t care if you’re liberal or republican, gay or straight, male or female. This debate is tearing the country apart and I won’t stand for it anymore.
I know many of you will find this post controversial, and I suspect I will lose a number of subscribers. Frankly, I can’t stay silent on the sidelines anymore. This is too important a topic.
I hope this ends the debate, permanently. Once and for all, here is all the corn in the world, ranked
10. De-cobbed Corn
Sorry, de-cobbed corn. You’re the worst of the lot. You’re the Joey Fantone to the whole cob’s Backstreet Boys. You’re nothing. Without the cob, your’e basically just yellow, shitty peas.
9. Plain Corn
Purists are always going to opt for plain corn over anything else, but answer me a question. You’re at a barbecue, you grab that cob, but right beside you is some salt. You’re telling me you’re going to ignore it? Not add a sprinkle? You’re just going to tear into that cob like a lunatic and pay no attention to anything else going on?
Uh, no thank you. Also, don’t invite me to your next barbecue.
Essentially, polenta is shitty, soupy risotto, but without the flavor or style. You know how garbage polenta is? My spell check isn’t even picking up the word.
Spell check. Think about it the next time you take out your fake teeth and suck some goopy corn through a straw. You disgust me.
7. Multi Colored Corn
Paging Dr. Tryhard? Is Dr. Tryhard in the room?
Don’t be fooled by this corn. Take it from me, it’s only plain corn but now it’s a different color. Still tastes like plain corn though.
I know I rated this higher than normal corn, I am giving it a few points for style and also because a Thanksgiving Horn of Plenty is basically a decorative garbage pile without an ear or two of colored corn jammed in it.
6. Nu Metal Rock Supergroup Korn
Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort.
Oh, I’m 100% aware those are lyrics from Papa Roach. That’s how little I think about Korn, I can’t even be bothered to reference their catalog correctly.
Finally, we’re getting to some decent corn. Who doesn’t love popcorn? You throw a flavor package on that, like maybe some ketchup or salt and vinegar? Now it’s a corn party and everyone’s invited and we’re gonna have a good time.
4. Corn with some butter and salt
You’re always going to get a win with the classics. You bite into that sweet, yellow crunch, the kind where you can’t tell where your teeth end and the corn begins? That’s where I want to live, eating buttered cob after buttered cob, maybe on a deserted island somewhere, just me and that corn, together.
And salt is there too.
3. Corn with, like, a ton of shit on it
Exactly like a pack of wild dogs that emerge from the forest to attack and kill your wife, no one saw this coming.
Man, you take some corn? You fuck up that cob with some shit? Like maybe bacon bits, maybe cheese, whatever the hell is going on in that picture above? Please. It puts all other corns to shame.
Consider it this way – think about your favorite thing in the world. Now add some cheese.
Corn 1, haters 0.
2. Corn Chowder
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are. Corn is the only food where turning it into a chunky slurry with the consistency of morning-after vomit make it more palatable. I’ll tell you though, I’m crazy for it. If you gave me the choice between a bath in corn chowder and a bath in water, I’m picking the chowder bath 6 times out of 10.
Those are odds anyone can bet on, and you’d be a fool not to.
1. TIE: Corn Cob Pipe
Hahahaha look at those things. Yeah! Smoke that corn! How high was the first person who decided to hollow out a cob and smoke out of it?
1. TIE: Grilled Corn
Holding the number 1 spot of all the corns is grilled corn. It’s sweet, it’s cobby and it’s covered in delicious grill marks. What is not to like about grilled corn? I mean, it’s practically a delicacy.
Straight up – I once grilled four cobs at once. I’m not even lying. I grilled them, and then I ate them. It was the greatest day of my life and I regret nothing.
So there you have it. All the corns of the world, ranked. Take it to the comments section if you have a problem with it. This ranking inarguable.