I’ve got an exclusive!! I’ve managed to get my hands on a part of the upcoming Vanity Fair interview with Thomas the Tank Engine by the legendary C. Chucksly Warblam-Skupp. They’re talking about Thomas’s new tell all book “On the other side of the tracks.” You won’t see this in stores for awhile.
Portion begins here:
…. Thomas simply shrugs, inasmuch as a Train with only a face can be said to shrug. I leave that alone.
“Let’s talk about James” I suggest. “There’s been reports of a strain between the two of you”.
“James man” Thomas toots in derision. “That’s a character for you. He’s not what you think. Let’s just say that he’s not just red because of the paint job, if you know what I mean”.
I assure Thomas that I absolutely do not.
“Okay, let me put it this way. James doesn’t run purely on coal, you know?” At this Thomas winks suggestively at me.
I cannot describe the sensation associated with seeing a 60-ton, sentient train wink suggestively at you. It is perhaps the most profoundly unsettling thing I have ever witnessed. I again move on.
“Percy.” I say. One word, but its effect on Thomas is immediate. He toots with rage.
“Percy is a little (what follows is 15 seconds expletives so filthy that even famed rap misogynist “Tyler the Creator” would consider it “too far”. Deleted for publication)
I ask Thomas to discuss some of the events leading up to the fallout.
“Percy got too big for his own buffers.” Thomas says. “First he becomes the “cute one”, even though he’s basically just me, painted Green.
And then there was the incident with Gordon.” (note – Thomas is referring to the incident when Percy, drunk on corn ethanol, attempted to jump over Gordon while he slept, resulting in millions of dollars worth of damage and nearly killing Gordon).
“The last straw was catching him in the threesome with Annie and Clarabelle. That was just unforgivable. We… we were closer than brothers once.” A giant tear rolls down his cheek. Stretching the bounds of our relationship, I ask him to describe in brief, the process by which trains would engage in a sexual threesome. Two months and $14,000 worth of therapy later and I can assure you I’m quite sorry I asked. I will spare you the horrific details. I again attempt to move onto safer ground.
“What was the impulse for this book? Why now?” Thomas collects himself before answering.
“Our story is pretty well known by now” he buffers “We were a race of super intelligent space lizards who injected our intellects into a comet and smashed it into Colorado with the hopes of possessing the bodies of Washington’s political leaders and taking over the Earth” he pauses here, reflectively. “Obviously our information was flawed as our consciousness ended up in a bunch of whimsical trains and worst, Colorado is nowhere near the epicenter of the planets political leadership. Miscalculations all around.” he chuckles ruefully. “I guess we were all pretty depressed at that. Henry and I talked a lot about killing all humans before we settled on the idea of a children’s show. Anyway, I wanted to give the story behind that. Who is the intergalactic space lizard behind the Thomas? For instance, did you know that my real name is “X’kkkksssllll’katchtzzzz’ohsllllll”?”
I have attempted to capture the sound of his name in writing, however I fear it pales to the real sound, which can be best compared to wrapping an entire third grade class in barbed wire and scraping them against the side of a large skyscraper as it’s fellated by King Kong. I can appreciate how this doesn’t translate well, however I now sadly know exactly what that sounds like.
Portion of interview ends here
Man, I can’t wait to read the rest of this one!