It’s finally here. Infinity War has hit the theaters and did it ever live up to the hype. I was lucky enough to catch it on opening night and I don’t think my jaw left the floor.
Kevin Feige, the creator of Marvel, promised that everything would change after Infinity War, and he wasn’t lying.
There’s about a hundred things I could talk about, but I’m going to focus on the six most jaw-dropping reveals.
Warning: Serious spoilers ahead.
#1. Captain America isn’t really a Captain.
They’ve been teasing this ever since Captain America: Winter Soldier, and it finally pays off. Early in the movie, we learn that Captain America never reached the military rank of Captain. He only made it as high as Chief Warrant Officer 4.
Most of the movie deals with him filling out various pieces of paperwork to correct the clerical oversight and have his name officially changed to “Chief Warrant Officer 4 America”.
I think we can all agree that sounds way better and is more accurate.
Oh, aside from that, he’s not in the movie. It’s honestly just a shitload of paperwork.
#2. Hawkeye and Falcon finally kiss
Finally, the “will they / won’t they” is settled. All the magnetic heat we’ve felt from those two characters flare to life and holy shit, is it ever hot.
I thought it was fantastic. If I had to nitpick, I’d say the scene went on maybe a touch too long. It’s filmed as one uninterrupted 8-minute shot and by the end it gets a little awkward. I could have done with five minutes of them making out, eight is a bit much.
#3. That wasn’t She-Hulk after all
If any of you read my breakdown of the trailer you’ll know how excited I was that She-Hulk was finally going to be in a Marvel movie.
Well, I’m man enough to admit I was wrong.
Apparently, this is a character named “Gomronna” and she was in a movie called “Guard the Whole Galaxy” or something. Honestly, I had never heard of it, I guess it’s some off-brand indie film that Marvel did a couple years ago.
Either way, it seems that this Gomronna character was introduced in that movie and has nothing to do with She-Hulk.
I felt let down by this reveal. If Marvel is going to include characters from other movies, they should only do their popular movies like Iron Man 2, not some weird “under the radar” film no one has ever heard of.
#4. Thanos is coming to WWE!
Okay, in all fairness, everyone knew this was coming. It was probably the most leaked piece of information from the whole movie. I can confirm that yes, it’s true. Closer to the end of the movie, Thanos turns to the camera, points, and says “I’ll see you at SummerSlam, John Cena!” and then you hear his music start
While this is going on, the Avengers are busy with various side plots (making out and paperwork), so the action doesn’t skip a beat and this multi-corporation, branded tie-in ends up feeling organic. It’s great.
See you at SummerSlam!
#5. Black Panther
#6. We find out what Infinity War refers to
Through ten years of Marvel movies, every single one ends with the musical number “What is the Infinity War Good For? Absolutely Nothing.”
We never really know what the Infinity War is though. Is it a battle between two armies? Is it some global conflict that will consume the entire planet? A third thing?
It turns out, none of these are correct
The Infinity War is racism, and it’s in all of us.
The last 20 minutes of the movie is just the closing courtroom scene from “To Kill a Mockingbird.” It doesn’t even fit in, like there’s a scratch in the film and then all of a sudden, there’s Atticus Finch talking about racism and how we should be more tolerant.
The final six minutes of film is just Kevin Feige, on a huge pile of money, masturbating furiously, while muttering “all the money. All of it.”
All in all, a bizarre ending to a great series. And apparently, this is it. Marvel is shutting down after this. There aren’t going to be any more Marvel movies, apparently.
So what did you think? If anyone else has seen the movie, add your favorite spoiler in the comments below.