Five scariest things of all time

Top Five Scariest Things Of All Time

You know what the number one fear in the world is?  Public speaking.  It constantly ranks above spiders, heights and death.

Those things are all pretty scary, sure.  But for real terror, let me introduce you to some actual fears.  Super scary shit, coming up

Warning: Once  you read these fears, you will be forever changed.  Caution.

Five scariest things of all time
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You’re going to read on anyway?  Fine, it’s your funeral.  Below are the top five scariest things that can happen to a person

1. Being simultaneously struck deaf and blind while on public transit

Imagine you’re going about your business, maybe commuting to work or sightseeing in a new city. You’re riding the bus (which is already a cause for alarm) when you’re suddenly struck deaf and blind.

What would you do? How would you handle it? You could make thick, grunting noises to try to indicate your advanced state of agitation, but what then? Even if people did try to help you, would you understand? I have read several books on Helen Keller and it took her nearly five years to master the art of communication bereft of two of the major senses. You have like, ten seconds. Are you smarter than Helen Keller?

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If you said yes, or even snickered a little, you’re going to hell

 

What would happen:
Due to your ravings and complete inability to make use of the most helpful of suggestions (i.e. Hey buddy, shut up!) you are thrown off the bus and left to your own devices. Totally unable to care for yourself, you eventually cause enough of a scene that the police are called to taser you into some semblance of normalcy.  They steal your wallet and you live out the rest of your days scrawling “Why?” on the sidewalk using your own feces.

What you can do to prevent this:
The obvious one is never ride public transit, ever. I think that’s just a good ground rule for life. Constant eye and ear checkups can’t hurt and maybe make sure you always have a phone on you.

2. Diving into a pool, only to emerge in the middle of an unfamiliar ocean.

I should probably take the word “unfamiliar” out of this one, because I’m not actually sure it would be that comforting even if you could identify which major body of water you had emerged in.

“Oh thank god, the Pacific. If I was “Life of Pi” what would I do? Oh yes, hallucinate a Tiger and escape to a magical world of religious whimsy.”

I just don’t see it helping.

What would happen:
You die, probably within about 2 hours. Either hypothermia gets you or the sharks. I assume there’s sharks.

What you can do to prevent this:
Presumably the drastic alteration in your location was caused by some kind of wormhole, so try to avoid diving into swimming pools where singularity is collapsing into a single point. Early warning signs include the mass of every object rapidly flowing towards the same physical location, and a weird humming noise.

3. A pile of leaves in the corner of your backyard resolves into human form and points at you

Why would the leaves turn human?  What do they want?  Why do they point?

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Even when it’s not pointing, it’s pretty unsettling

The real terror with this one is holy shit, if that pile leaves can point, what else can it do? Logically, you’d think the leaf monster would be your friend. After all, if it wasn’t for you thoughtfully raking his disparate parts into one pile, he would have never been able to spring to life.

What would happen:
You crap your pants as violently and thoroughly as it is possible for one human being to do.  Weighed down by the mass of feces that includes every item of food you’ve ingested for the past 10 years, you slump to the ground, eyes never leaving the leaf-monsters face. Is he… is he laughing at you?

Oh you better believe it’s on.

You filth out of your pants and run into the house to get your emergency gasoline and leaf lighter. 40 minutes later, the fire has spread out of control and the police have some pointed, if not entirely valid, questions for you to answer.

What you can do to prevent this
Obviously, never rake leaves into a pile. And secondly, don’t ever do anything to those leaves that would prompt them to gain sentience and point at you, all accusing like. I’ll admit that I’m not clear on what constitutes actions of betrayal to a pile of leaves. Maybe they weren’t recycled? Okay, let’s go with that. If you absolutely must rake leaves, you should probably recycle them pretty damn quickly.

4.  An infant that speaks perfect English, except with a deep, terrifying voice.

Every parent on the planet is in perpetual competition with every other parent on the planet, and speaking is one of the key milestones. Can your kid speak yet? Does he have words? Mine reads the thesaurus. Oh, yours only says “gaa”? Don’t worry, I think Taco Bell still hires as long as they can learn where to point the meat tube.

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Mmm.   A trough of meat.

Imagine you’re holding your bundle of baby joy, perhaps cooing some vapid kids song at it when it turns to you and with complete awareness in its little eyes says “I hate the Wiggles”.

What would happen:
Your instincts to be a nurturing parent war with your instincts to throw the baby through the nearest window, hop in the car and never stop driving. Realistically your parenting instincts win and you put the baby down for a nap (even if it’s early!) and just start drinking. Really give it to that bottle, and explore the depths of your alcoholism.

After several months of this you are able to convince yourself it never happened even though you refuse to be left alone with, or touch, the child again. Eventually your spouse divorces you and you’re left a terrible, shattered wreck. You probably have more time for World of Warcraft.

What you can do to prevent this
I’m going to assume that this one is caused by some kind of demonic possession. Even Einstein didn’t speak until he was three, so you probably can’t use intelligence as a yardstick. I’m going to suggest you don’t buy a house built on top of an ancient burial ground, you don’t attempt to solve puzzles that open doorways to hell and if you find some kind of portal to the netherworld in your TV, for God sakes, change the channel (unless the only other option is the Big Bang Theory.  If that case, take the portal to hell)

5. Turning on the TV and having a face just stare at you 

This also leads into another lesser fear I have, namely that I won’t be able to turn off appliances, even after I unplug them. There’s nothing inherently menacing about that, except maybe that some entity (conservatives?) is forcing me to consume electricity. I’m not clear how that would show up on my hydro bill.  When the appliances are unplugged are they still using my electricity? They better not be, the bastards.

Anyway, the face doesn’t really do anything, it just kind of stares at you. And you can’t turn the channel either, which means you miss the last season of Game of Thrones.

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That’s pretty terrifying as well

Most Likely Scenario
After the initial confusion dims away, you just get plain irritated. Who is this haunting, spectral figure to tell you that you can’t watch TV? Like what makes him so great? You try to read a few books, but the irritation gets to you. If you want to watch TV, you’ll by-God watch TV and you can take that to the BANK!

You end up getting in some fabulous arguments with the TV face and make some incredible points about both personal liberties and the Fox Network. The face is unmoved and simply stares at you for the rest of your known life.

You die alone and irritated.

What you can do to prevent this
Nothing. The TV face is more powerful than you, and once he shows up he’s like house guests before the last of the wine is gone – you can’t ever get rid of him

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