What happens when rappers go on dates

Everlast from “House of Pain” goes on a date.

 

Maggie:
So “Everlast”.  That’s an unusual name.   I’ve never really done this speed dating thing before, I’m kind of nervous.  So.  Can you tell me a bit about yourself?

Everlast:
I kicks the flava, like Stephen King writes horror. If I was a Jew then I’d light a menorah.

Maggie:
Oh, so you’re…. not Jewish?   I mean, I don’t care, but why would you say you’d light a menorah?  I guess it’s good to know that if you were of a different faith that you’d stringently follow their religious observances.  A little bit about myself –

Everlast:
I’ve got rhymes for ya.

Maggie:
Oh sorry, I thought you were done.

Everlast:
Excuse me Seniora.

Maggie:
Not at all.

Everlast:
Are you a whore or are you a lady? Is it Erica Boyere or Marsha Brady?

Maggie:
Wow, you cut right to the quick don’t you? But to answer your question, I’m not really into one night stands. (laughs ruefully).  I’ve been there, done that.  For sure, I’m more of a “Marsha Brady” type.

Everlast:
Let me know hon, the deed will get done.

Maggie:
Yeah, I don’t really like games either. So what do you do in your spare time, aside from “kick” flavor?

Everlast:
(shrugging) Just assume the position, I take my rod then I go fishing.

Maggie:
Wow, my Dad is totally into fishing! It’s so great to have a hobby like that, I’m kind of into running.

Everlast:
I’ll get your river flowing, I’m always into knowing.

Maggie:
Right, nothing like building up a decent river of sweat when you run.  I agree.

Everlast:
When it comes to giving pleasure, I’m every woman’s treasure.

Maggie:
Oh, so you’re a massage therapist?  That’s pretty cool.

Everlast:
(Irritated) I came to work your body, so let me do my job.

Maggie:
Like right now?  It’s not really the time, or place, for a massage.

Everlast:
I’ve never been laid off, my rhyming skill paid off.

Maggie:
I thought you were a massage therapist, so how does your rhyming skill factor into that?  You’re all over the map here, conversationally.  And am I going to be allowed to finish a sent-

Everlast:
Now I’m making records, now I’m making tapes. Steady busting suckers in bunches like grapes. Makin all the papes. Scooping up the loot. Putting suckers on the run, pull the gun and then I shoot. (gives thumbs up)

Maggie:
(long pause) Not one single word of that made any sense.  What the hell is a pape?  Listen, I don’t think this is going to work.

Everlast:
(plantive) I never been a front, I never been a fraud.

Maggie:
Everlast, you’ve been very open and honest with me. I think that’s great. I think your rhymes are cute too.

Everlast:
I’ve got a natural skill, for that I thank the Lord, cause I feel blessed.

Maggie:
Just.. not in the Jewish way.

Everlast:
I’m casually dressed.

Maggie:
Meh. We’ve talked a lot about you. Maybe I could –

Everlast:
I always got my gun, but I never wear a vest.

Maggie:
Okay, freak. We’re done here TIME! SOMEONE CALL ROTATE! FREAK BOY HERE IS STARTING TO CREEP ME OUT! (bell rings) Oh thank fuck. Hit the road Everboy.

Everlast (getting up, sad)
I’m quick on the draw like the horse named McGraw from the cartoon!

Maggie:
Whatever. . What a fucking weirdo.

(2 men sit down)
Maggie:
Hi Chris. And.. I see there’s two of you. And you’re both named Chris. What’s the fucking dea-

Chris 1:
Don’t try to compare us to another bad little fad, I’m the Mac and I’m bad and I’ll give you something that you never had.

Chris 2:
I’ll make ya bump bump wiggle and shake your rump.  ‘Cause I’ll be kicking the flavor that makes you wanna jump.

Maggie:
What the hell is it with you idiots and “kicking flavor”?  What does that mean?  What could that possibly mean?  Did the concept of flavor attack your family or something?  Do you think flavor kicking counts as a skill?

Effing rap night.

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