My Life in Riverdale

Feb 22

Well, we’re done moving and I just spent my first day in Riverdale.  I’m still bummed to be leaving my home town. All my friends were there and I liked it.  I tried to tell Dad, but he just started in again about how this was a wonderful opportunity and blah blah blah.  I can’t even find Riverdale on a map.  Tomorrow is my first day at school, I’m not really looking forward to it.  I’ve barely seen any kids since I’ve been here.  I’m not getting a great vibe.

Feb 23

Today was my first day of school, and get this – my teacher’s name is Mrs. Grundy.   What the fuck kind of name is that?

mrs grundy riverdale
Dutch?  Russian?  French-Canadian?

She introduced me to the class but halfway through some-red haired kid came flying in, while a monstrously obese man yelled at him.  I was kind of freaked out but the class barely reacted.  The red-haired kid took this crazy spill over the desk and I swore I heard his spine break but I guess he was fine.  The huge fat guy (apparently our principle?) said “See you in Detention, Andrews”.  I still have no clue what happened.

Andrews detention 2.jpg
Apparently it’s pretty frequent though

I tried to make some friends later. I met a cute girl named Betty and tried to joke with her.

“Mrs. Grundy,” I said. “More like Mrs. Grumpy!” Betty just looked at me and said that I shouldn’t say mean things about people.

Feb 24

Oh man, that Andrews again.  We were in science (with Prof. Flutesnoot no less.  All the teachers here have weird names) doing experiments and were working with a low-saline hydrated alkali.   Andrews must have added some bicarbonate or something because he created a chemical soup that most closely resembled acid.  He dropped it and burned through several layers of floor

Archie comics flutesnoot2
Thank god he was wearing a protective cloth apron when working with actual acid

I have some questions.

  1. Why do high school students have unsupervised access to explosive materials at this school?  In my old school, we were allowed to mix baking soda with coke.
  2. A girl in the classroom below was horribly burned when the acid melted through the ceiling, but as far as I can tell there’s going to be no investigation or criminal proceedings.  The principle, Weatherbee, just said Andrews had more detention. For melting a floor. And potentially killing a student.  Honestly, how is that not a terrorist act?

I tried to make a joke to Betty. “Man, that Andrews kid is a fucktard,” I said, but she just said that “Ronnie” (don’t know what that is) got asked to the dance and burst into tears.

Aside – I’m not 100% positive, but I think there’s a dance every weekend.

Hate this place.

Feb 25
I went to this place after school called “The Chocolate Shoppe” which is where all the kids hang out.  That shithead menace Andrews was there and he broke a couple of glasses before falling off a stool.  I think he might have a drinking problem, because it’s the only thing that explains his behavior.

Archie’s best friend is named Jughat or Jughole or something.  He was sitting with Betty, that girl I met earlier, eating what seemed to be fifteen hamburgers. It was kind of disgusting. He’d power through three, and then go to the bathroom. I’m almost positive he was throwing up. Whatever.

Jughead eating disorder2.jpg
This is…. not how you should react to an obvious eating disorder.

I went to sit down with them and Betty was crying that “Ronnie” was having a pool party with Archie and wasn’t inviting her.  She said Ronnie always excluded her and she felt like a failure.  Jughard comforted her.

jughead is a monster
Jesus Christ

I think Betty might be simple.  I asked her if I could text her and she didn’t know what I was talking about.   As we were talking, Andrews fell through a plate glass window.

Mar 1
So get this.  In addition to being a moron, Andrews is some kind of boy detective or something.  Some dudes stole a Panda from the local zoo – which is nuts because as far as I can tell, Riverdale is an average sized town of like 50,000 people so I have no idea why they have a zoo, nor how they managed to score an endangered species for an exhibit.

Panda kidnapping.JPG
Like any average 16 year old, as soon as problems at the local zoo come up on the radio, he hops in his convertible and drives over to help

Anyhow, they stole the panda and Andrews and his buddy Jarhead somehow foiled the crooks (that’s honestly the word the local paper used – Panda thieves foiled).  There was a parade in his honor (??)  but he somehow released the brakes on one of the floats and killed four people.

I’ve started to beg my Dad about moving, job or no job, because this place is crazy.  When I bumped into Betty later that day, I said, “Archie Andrews is a clumsy fucking menace and if he so much as looks crosseyed at me I’m going to kick his balls so hard they explode out of the back of his goddamn pants”.  She burst into tears.

Fuck this place.

Mar 19
Sorry for not writing in awhile, it’s been nuts.  Long story short, I was sitting with this guy named Reggie who was talked to another girl named Midge.  Next thing I know this huge behemoth of a guy comes up and says “You’re talking to my girl!” Before I can say anything, he beats the everloving hell out of Reggie.

moose beats up reggie.jpg
Textbook abusive relationship

Reggie ended up in the hospital with a couple broken ribs and fractured jaw. I wanted to go to the police,  but my Dad doesn’t think it will go anywhere. I guess this Moose is some football star and the entire town just kind of looks the other way at his rampant violent abuses both against other people and his girlfriend.

This town licks balls.

It’s still beats Gotham.

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